The Major Arcana
The decision is up to you.
The pink beads draping against the door rattles like a snake ready to turn me into stone.
I hurried inside. I thought the swaying Magic Mystics sign was going to crush me onto the pavement, but instead, I walked into a place where magic is not a trick.
The candle lit room flickered to the sound of my chest beating behind my ears. The pungent smell of sage, invisible smoke, occupies every corner of the store. I couldn’t escape the kooky smiles of Cheshire cat clocks or the hollow eyes of skulls in their showering snow globes. One foot in front of the other, steering clear from the moose hanging on the wall. It didn’t ask to be hunted, but that was his destiny.
Yet, I came here on my own, trying to find mine.
“You need to get out more.” Sophia said on my couch.
I can’t blame her for checking up on me. Every day for the last two weeks, I’ve ignored every call. Every text. My therapist appears on my caller ID and I hit decline as fast as possible. I still pay for her bill. The blanket over my head protects me from the dangerous outside world. Nobody can get to me. Nobody can get inside my head.
Nobody can leave me if I don’t let them stay.
“It would be a good way to get over him.”
A shine catches the corner of my eye, from the light bearing through the curtains it reflects the gold encrusted ring on Sophia’s finger. A ring is supposed to be a reflection of a devoted couple. Love. Trust. Honesty. A reflection of their vows where they will to have and to hold. I know Sophia will hold up her side of the marriage, hold up her perfect deep curves, her perfect blonde hair, her perfect spunky personality, and hold up hiding her affair with her neighbor.
I digress.
I ding the bell next to the cash register. The sign “ring for service” didn’t mention the grey haze seeping through the cracks of the door in the back corner.
The door knob jerks. I hold my breath.
The door slams open with a loud crash. Shadows race out of the door and dissolve up the walls. Nails tapping together stings my ears, prickling at my skin like spiders crawling up my back.
“Hello, Sweetie.”
A bone-thin woman. Her glasses are sitting on the crook of her nose, while her pearl necklace and black dress sway to her every step, her cane succumbing to her every move.
“May I help you?” She asked.
She tucks her jet black hair behind her ears as I watch the blood course through the veins on her neck.
“I’m here for a tarot card reading.”
She looks me up and down.
“You look like you could use one.” She said. “Come inside.”
Around the counter and through the door, I’m enveloped in a sea of vintage floral rugs that cover every inch of the floor and canopy from the ceilings.
“Make yourself comfortable.”
A table for two in the center of the room with a single fluorescent light bulb as the centerpiece. It’s the only source of light here.
The seat is warm. A cough escapes from me as I choke on the pungent smell of cannabis and lavender.
“You’ll get used to it, Sweetie.”
She gently sits across from me and begins shuffling a deck of vibrant cards, like flashing hints of my future, sparking lighters of anxiousness in my stomach.
“We only have 10 minutes. I have to feed Mr. Rooney after this.”
I nod.
She shuffles the cards faster. The transparent skin on her hands turn to porcelain. A small breeze brushes my cheeks while a rug behind me rocks in the wind. I dig my nails into the edge of the chair, sweat beading down the nape of my neck.
“There are no refunds.”
“I wasn’t thinking that.”
“Sure you weren’t, sweetie.” She said.
I press my feet into the ground. A vibrating hum surge up my legs.
“Why are you here?”
“For fun.”
“Hmmm….”
The sound of lightning hitting the store made me flinch in my seat. Her green eyes rolled back, like she was consumed by the demon himself. Rain downpours on the roof and muffles her voice until her last three words,
“Ostende nobis. Ostende nobis. Ostende nobis.”
With the sound of a window shattering, I bite the inside of my cheek. The Devil card lays face up on the table. The rain subdues to a light dribble.
“There’s a bigger reason why you’re here, Sweetie.”
The taste of metal lingers on my tongue.
“I’m glad you finally took my advice. You know I’m here for you” Sophia yelled.
Orange and yellow strobes pierce through the dark, sticky wild bodies bumping into each other.
“Wanna dance?” casted on each other like spells. Unbreakable.
I slowly step away to grab a drink.
“You here again?” the bartender asked.
“The usual.” I said.
Sophia doesn't need to know that I have been going out every night. When I was first handed the papers, Saturn Rings Nightclub was the first place I went to escape reality. If someone wants to shove me out of their life, I can do the same, and start coating myself with someone brand new.
It started with a taste until greed settled with every mouthful. I met someone new every night until everyone looked the same. Everyone felt the same. There was still that inch inside of me wishing with each person I could find the same one who walked away from me.
I didn’t.
“Care to explain yourself, Sweetie?”
“I’m just here for fun.” I said.
More hanging rugs rock from side to side.
“Suite yourself.”
She shuffles her cards again. The temperature drops as my exhale lets out a puff of steam. The Devil card levitates above the table in a ghost-like float. The lady across from me starts hysterically laughing.
“I told you the truth would reveal itself.”
A deafening crash on the roof makes my teeth clash together. Rain hitting the sides of the store like stones, I cover my head and bring my knees to my chest. Blood rushing to my head as I’m prepared for the whole store to implode.
“Here is your card, Sweetie.”
I peak up at the card. Sounds gradually come down to silence as a bird chirping echoes in the far distance.
The Judgement Card lays face up. My chest is still rising and falling, I bring myself to gather my composure.
“You know, Sweetie.” She said, “You still have a long, beautiful life ahead of you.”
I read through the papers.
Based on his lawyer’s words, we were splitting everything 50/50. He was still selfish.
He had me when “young” was a word that I felt in my bones, “old” was a word that I could look at from a distance, and “love” was a fairytale in everyone’s book.
“I love you” molded into a different shape we both didn’t recognize. Our weekdays bled together until the weekend, our dinner dates felt manufactured and wrinkles grew in the fabric of our relationship. And on me.
I could’ve said “I love you” a million times, but since the essence of innocence melted with my youth, it would be the exact same reason why I would hear “Goodbye” a million and one.
Maybe I do have a long life ahead of me, but I’ll never have the life I had again, when I was with him.
“Now that will be $26.87, including tax.”
“I have a coupon.”